Fear of the Future

 

Today, today was weird. Today was stressful. Today was hard. As usual, I woke up at 5 in the morning, had my cup of tea and started working on my physics homework. Out of nowhere, I felt this cloud of stress just hover over me. Suddenly, I started worrying about everything all at once, specifically, my academic future.

Okay, let me explain. I had an appointment with an engineering adviser today and the main goal was to figure out which classes I am going to take in the fall. You see, I’m in a tricky spot for the fall, well, I guess summer. I will be applying to three of the engineering departments in the summer. If I don’t get in this summer, I’ll still have another chance to apply next year, but if I get in, it would be a huge weight taken off of my shoulders.

I’m in a spot where I don’t know what I want more. Do I want a mechanical engineering degree or do I want any engineering degree from the University of Washington (my school)? Ideally if I could have both, then that would be nice, but it’s important to think about this realistically. Honestly, I can’t answer that question because I don’t know the answer.

Today, I played with the idea of wanting a mechanical engineering degree more than staying here at the UW. That idea really scared me. The thought of me leaving UW and leaving the amazing people I’ve met really scares me and hurts my heart. I’ve made some really great friends here. People who encourage me to grow in my faith daily. I don’t want to have to leave them because if I leave, I don’t know what’s going to happen to these friendships.

It’s hard thinking about. I don’t even like typing it out. I’m worried. I’m worried about my future if that’s what it comes down to. I wish I could unpack these thoughts and feelings more and maybe I will in the future, but for now, I just don’t want to think about it. It scares me. It saddens me. The friends that I’ve made here, I want them to be my friends for a really long time, but realistically, distance can get in the way. I know because I’ve learned that from experience. Knowing that really messes with me.

Here’s the thing, I know it’s really early to be thinking/worrying about that sort of thing, and I know I shouldn’t worry about it, but maybe my thoughts are justified, but maybe they aren’t. I know my God knows what’s best for me. I know my God knows my plan and I shouldn’t worry about my future, and I still worry.

There’s really not some sort of happy way to end this. This was today. This is what keeps me up at night, all of this stress.

So now I turn to God and I ask Him to help me. He knows my life and my plan. The best (and only) thing I can do at this point is to trust in Him and to continue to put my faith in Him. Jesus, I believe, but help me with my unbelief. Please help me understand that you’re an all-knowing, all-loving and all-powerful God. Please help me find peace and comfort in you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it’s not the most encouraging post, so thanks for hanging in there. I greatly appreciate it. Let me leave you with this; I know I’ll be focusing a lot on these verses as the week wraps up.

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.

Psalm 77: 11-14

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